School based anxiety - ‘Why are you doing that?’
I was 11. The question was, well, perplexing, how on earth did I know why I was ‘doing that’. What I did know though, was that I shouldn’t be, that I was being a nuisance, that I should just ‘tow the line’. I also knew that something was taking me over and no matter how much I wanted to not ‘do that’, my body had other ideas! So, it continued.
Another office, another ‘professional’ another clipboard, another ‘why are you doing this’ question, for which I had no answer, I didn’t even have a word. I just remember being sat there and thinking, well you must be bloody stupid if you don’t have the answer! You’re the ‘professional’! Yet, I said nothing! I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to be a nuisance so I said nothing, I didn’t even try. My brain just shut down, I couldn’t put a single word to how I felt, I didn’t know how I felt, I just cried, alot!
It started after a nose bleed at a Jason Donovan concert, I wasn’t allowed to do what I usually would to manage the nose bleed. I’d had hundreds, I knew what to do, just leave me be. But, professionals had other ideas, and proceeded to pack my nose, I couldn’t breathe, they were pinching the top of my nose, it hurt! I began to realise that the concert was coming to an end. I wouldn’t be where I should be for my family to pick me up, they’d go without me, I’d be left here forever, how would I get home? My mind began racing, that was it, boom! The panic took over and there it stayed for the next few years.
It affected everything, I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to be near family or away from them, school became impossible, I was overthinking everything, I was counting things forward and backwards, I was crying constantly. I had no idea why. I didn’t make the link, I needed someone to help me make the link, no did.
I wrote the story down once, and it got found, it was laughed at, at least that’s what my memory tells me! I don’t know if it was like that, I just know that’s how I felt.
I must’ve been a nightmare!
I don’t know how my mother coped with my continuous crying!
My body would literally freeze, I’d be physically stuck to the ground-unmoving!
All the missed time, and yet there was no one to help me put the dots together to create a whole picture. Perhaps worse than that, there was no one there to help my mother help me put the dots together. She must’ve felt helpless, desperate, frustrated and completely exhausted by having to manage my emotions with no help.
It took me years - like literally years - probably 20 to begin to piece together what was happening for me then. Telling my story, even now, helps with the processing. But it has left a bitter taste! There seemed to be no thinking about what was going on for me or my mother, no thought of ‘how can we help’, perhaps we weren’t noisy enough, but it also left me feeling not important enough. Was this just the way it was? Well, it wasn’t good enough, it wasn’t ok, and any family who are experiencing debilitating feelings should be able to access support and to have someone stand alongside them to figure it out, to make it easier! To get through it, to develop skills and to have a life that does not feel suffocating.
Now years later, it is my mission to help other parents, carers, teens and children deal with this. I know first-hand what it feels like and I can only imagine how difficult if was for my mum. I have created a free resource for you to help you with this. Its simple, practical and easy to implement and over 7 days and it takes you through step by step so that first you understand what is happening, and then how you can create a plan to start helping your child to deal with this.
Its a journey, not a marathon and every child is different, it takes time, but I promise you, with the right strategies and mindset it does get better!
Charlotte Cook is a Doctoral trainee specialising in psychodynamic thinking, helping parents and carers to understand and support children and teens in their care with their emotional and mental health. Charlotte lives in South Wales with her teenage daughter and is currently the first Doctoral trainee of child and adolescent psychotherapy within South Wales. With 25 years working with families, Charlotte is passionate about parents and carers being seen as the professionals to help their children and young people receive the support they need to live a fulfilled life.
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