Supporting Your Child Through Bullying
Bullying thrives on secrecy!
And unfortunately children of any age often find it difficult to find the words to tell people about it. As a parent the questions I often hear are ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ How do you say, I was left out today, or my ‘friends’ were whispering and giggling about me in maths today? What would you say as a response? As a parent, I’m often busy trying to juggle lots of things, I might not have my full attention on what my child is telling me. I might dismiss it as just kids being kids! So how do they tell me these little things every day? Well they don’t! They stop tell us. Why? Because they don’t think we took it seriously, they didn’t feel we were listening and so they stop thinking about telling us the little things that happen every day.
Think about it like a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle. It’s the little pieces that get slotted together that slowly give us the picture, but if we are missing too many pieces the puzzle can’t show us it’s full picture. Making time for your child to talk about their day, allowing them the space to tell you the little things (even if the story takes ages), and not dismissing their difficulties will tell them that they can talk about anything and it’s ok.
Validating their feelings and thoughts gives them the opportunity to work out what is and isn’t ok.
Often bullying only becomes apparent when your child’s behaviour begins to change - usually for the worst, and it’s them that’ll get into trouble.
I’ll tell you a story!
When I was in primary school, probably around 9/10 years of age, this girl in my class took to pulling my hair. Now, ok this wasn’t full scale bullying like some kids endure but to me it was awful. She’d tease me, say things about me, laugh at me and generally made me feel pretty worthless! At 10! This went on for a while. I ignored it - well as best I could - I was the quiet kid, the kid that tried to go unnoticed! No way was I drawing attention to the fact that this girl was making my life miserable.
So then it arrived, in the cloakroom one day before lunch, I was taking my coat off my peg. Here she comes, pull’s my plait again, wouldn’t let go, thought it was funny! (I had really long, thick, brown hair) that was it, I snapped! In one quick movement I twirled around and clamped my teeth into her arm! She screamed! I would not let go, she continued to scream!
I guess eventually I did let go but guess who got called to the headmistresses office? That’s right, me! Me who wouldn’t say boo to a goose getting hauled into that secret, scary, intimidating place, the forbidden room, I was terrified. I got asked ‘why did you do that?’ nothing, silence. What was I to say? I didn’t have the words, it sounded silly in my 10 year old brain and it wasn’t just that she pulled my hair that day, it had been happening for weeks, but I didn’t have the words.
Maybe if the teacher had observed what had been happening, but teachers are busy and she probably had 30 kids in the class.
But, ultimately, we need to help our kids find a way to communicate their lives away from us, with us! And, we need to be open to hear that and see it.
One of the biggest complaints I hear from children is ‘no one notices’, and to not notice is not to be seen, and that makes it very difficult for children to verbalise what they want to communicate. Instead it appears in their behaviour, and as parents it is our job to recognise when this behaviour shifts, to observe it, take notice of it, and comment on it.
What can you do if you suspect or know your child is being bullied?
1. Generally bullying happens under the radar of adults in a school or club environment. So the easiest way to identify the bullying is observation - asking a teacher/assistant/volunteer to quietly sit for 20 minutes twice a week at separate intervals and just observe the child and their behaviour. Ask them then to write down or verbally record everything they see, this then helps build a picture and it is no longer solely down to the child being bullied to verbalise what is happening.
2. Give your child space to speak about their experience. Now this might mean through play! Drawing, making something, painting, creating a game - whatever way they find the easiest to communicate. It will be your job then to ‘wonder’ about what it is they’ve created. Oh, that’s super curious, what does this bit mean? I wonder what this looks like etc. Using dolls, figures, toy animals, are other ways of encouraging the child to tell you the story through displacement. So they can tell you the story about the crocodile hitting the elephant which is related to them but they are using the animals to tell the story which takes away some of the shame.
3. Talk to your child about your concerns and what you think needs to happen. But! Also ask your child what they would like to happen. They will already feel that they have no control over what is happening to them, so engaging them, asking their view’s and creating a plan together will help them feel that you are with them, and it is not something else that is being ‘done to them’.
4. There are really good charities out there that help, support and give amazing advice. Click on the links here!
https://bulliesout.com/ and https://www.stopbullying.gov/bullying/what-is-bullying
5. Finally, get support yourself! It is so upsetting to know that your child is being bullied, talk to someone, find a supportive group and most importantly know that you are doing the best you can.
5Finally, get support yourself! It is so upsetting to know that your child is being bullied, talk to someone, find a supportive group and most importantly know that you are doing the best you can.
You can join our Facebook support group here!
Charlotte Cook is a Doctoral trainee specialising in psychodynamic thinking, helping parents and carers to understand and support children and teens in their care with their emotional and mental health. Charlotte lives in South Wales with her teenage daughter and is currently the first Doctoral trainee of child and adolescent psychotherapy within South Wales. With 25 years working with families, Charlotte is passionate about parents and carers being seen as the professionals to help their children and young people receive the support they need to live a fulfilled life.
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