Why ‘marriage guidance’ doesn't help you as a parent!
Let’s be honest, most of us will book into and arrive at, a marriage guidance session with a deeply held wish to change the other person.
Well, I’m going to let you into a secret, it won’t work!
Therapists will welcome couples in and listen to each of them tear strips out of each other, with someone else being present to witness it. It’s dangerous, unhelpful and only adds to the resentment! A good therapist will challenge, question and importantly put a stop to the session if this happens! We are not about facilitating abuse! There are also times that a good therapist would acknowledge the difficulties in a relationship and recommend the couple split! Wow! Shock! But sometimes we need to hear it.
I have attended so much therapy in my life! Some of it couples therapy, and I remember very clearly one therapist saying to me ‘you know this relationship is toxic!’ – which I did, yet I stayed! But, that’s for another newsletter!
But the reality is, if you are arriving at couples therapy desperately wanting the other person to change without looking at yourself you are going to waste your money and time, so I’d suggest you don’t bother.
No one (including you) changes unless you are ready to!
No one (including you) changes unless you are willing to reflect on you, warts and all!
One of the most difficult things about being a parent is that the child will often be the one that holds the mirror up to us! It can be a difficult moment.
We might really want the other person to change, we might think, if only they’d do …. But wanting and wishing it doesn’t make it happen. We must be willing to work on us, to do the hard work on ourselves before we can implement change into our relationships. Sometimes that means walking away, sometimes it means our shift in responses can shift the responses around us, but you can only really work on you!
Parenting is such a tough job! We are constantly being poked and prodded in all sorts of ways that bring up past experiences of our own. Our own childhood and the way we were parented can be illuminated in such a way that it is painful – and if we aren’t willing to look at it, or if we just aren’t ready then all the therapy in the world is not going to help.
So, be honest with yourself.
Go to therapy, sack the therapist if you don’t fit!
Be open to exploring the painful parts of you.
If you can and are willing, this is what will help you in your parenting journey – just showing up to couples therapy every week wanting to change the other is never going to be successful.
Here’s 3 ways you can assess if it’s couples therapy you need or if it’s work on you!
What is the main thing you would like to change in your relationship with your partner?
How does it feel being with your partner when no children are around and it's just you and them?
Do you feel able to communicate with each other in a way that resolves difficulties?
Answer these questions honestly.
Then once you’ve written out the answers put it to one side and come back to it in a few day’s time. This will help you gain some perspective on what you’ve written. Then be honest with yourself, have you written out complaints about your partner? Have you considered you in the relationship? Have you thought about what is helpful and healthy for you?
If you liked this newsletter and you’d like to ‘think’ further you can visit my websitewww.thethinkingpod.com or join the parent insight pod membership at www.thethinkingpod.com/membership of course you can also drop me an email: charlotte@thethinkingpod.com I’d love to hear from you or visit my social’s for more ‘thinking’.
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